[***]
Okay, honey. It's ready.
All right. What would you like to start with?
Something light.
The gas bill.
Pen.
Bromo.
Mortgage.
Pepto.
Department store.
Shotgun.
Al... can't you go any faster?
Let's pretend we're upstairs.
I know. I'll yell, "Not yet. "
That always seems to speed you up.
Oh, I'm sorry, Peg. Am I bringing you down?
Well, let me try another attitude.
* Oh, man, we're broke Cha, cha, cha *
* Everybody flat broke Cha, cha, cha *
* Living in the gutter Cha, cha, cha *
* Early grave Cha, cha, cha *
All right. Now, everybody, shoot me!
Kiss me with a hammer.
What's the matter, honey?
It's that school place.
They want me to be a stupid intern at some stupid station.
Channel 83.
Nobody watches Channel 83.
Cosmic Dog is a pretty darn good show.
God, it's so unfair.
They gave all the cool assignments
to the kids who were awake.
They're gonna make me work nights.
So now, come dawn,
when we're wondering where you are,
we'll just check the TV station
instead of the bushes.
Oh, go dance alone in your underwear.
Al, the kids are arguing again.
Would you talk to them?
Talking to them won't make them go away, Peg.
Besides, I have to concentrate on this raise thing.
It's time I got my dignity back.
Come on, Bud, let's get some Windex and a squeegee
and hit the off-ramps.
Daddy needs to buy a power tie.
Mom, what am I gonna do?
If I don't do this stupid intern thing,
I won't graduate.
Hm... graduation.
Kelly... maybe it's time we had a little talk.
You're getting to be a big girl now,
and there's something I've been putting off
telling you for a while.
But time is slipping by quickly,
and I don't want you to learn about it on the street.
Honey, ahem... there is a thing out there
that men will want you to do.
In fact, they'll expect it.
Now, no woman really enjoys it,
but we do it, get them to marry us
and then never have to do it again.
That horrible thing is called...
work.
Hold me, Mom. I'm scared.
Aw, I know. I know.
But, honey, the important thing is to do it early,
whileyou're still young.
That way... when your husband comes home reeking of beer,
wanting some loving, you'll follow that fat rump upstairs.
Because you'll know... that no matter how disgusting
the next three minutes will be...
it still beats the hell out of work.
Thank you, Mom. You're so wise.
Ah, well.
You know, you can't sit on a sofa 20 hours a day
and not learn something.
Okay, who ordered the coffee?
I did.
Who is that?
It's our new intern.
But what we need is a gimmick to get the ratings up.
Look. I made it cloudy way up in the pointy states.
Come on, Al.
What is it you're gonna tell us?
Is it about your raise?
Ah, ah, ah, Peg.
Not till the whole family's here.
This news is so big,
I even want the girl to hear it.
There we go.
It's time.
Family...
Mom, Dad, I just got a job for $1000 a week.
Are you kidding me?
I can't believe that.
Oh, we're rich! We're rich!
Oh, Mom.
Oh, Mom. She's finally turning pro.
Oh, a successful Bundy.
Oh, Al...
come and brownnose with us.
Why should I? You're already doing a good job.
I'm sorry, honey.
You had an announcement too.
Did not.
Come on, Dad, tell us.
We're really interested.
Well, okay.
Well, today I made my stand at work.
I fought, I threw myself on the ground,
I screamed like a woman.
But I finally got what I was after.
Folks, you're looking at a man with a $5 a week raise.
Gee, Kelly... Kelly...
Hurry up, Dad. She's gonna be on in a minute.
Well, I still think it's a pretty unfair world
when someone who doesn't even have a high school diploma
makes more than someone important,
like a Ph. D. or a... shoe salesman.
Oh, honey... you may not make much money,
but Kelly will never have the satisfaction of saying,
"I used to play a little high-school ball. "
You know, son, one day you'll have a girl
just like the girl that's killing dear old Dad.
Shut up, Al.
Oh, she's coming on.
ANNOUNCER: And now the Action Weather,
with meteorologist Bill Palomino.
And, yes, girls, I'm still single.
Now, let's have some fun. Let's do weather.
It's still sunny here in Chicago,
but up in Washington,
they're expecting more clouds.
Right, weather bunny?
Right-o, Bill.
Look, folks, it stays up there all by itself.
And we have tornado warnings for...
Excuse me, Bill.
But I have a little inside tip for our viewers.
You see these little clouds?
Now, they won't stick to just anything.
Look.
Now, kids, don't try this at home.
Back to you, Bill.
Oh. Look at her, Al.
The product of our love.
That's not surprising, is it, Peg?
Oh, Al, I know you're a little down,
what with Kelly making more in a day
than you made in the '80s.
But, as far as I'm concerned,
you're still the man in the house.
Thanks, Peg. What's for dinner?
Veal.
I hate veal.
Oh, I know, but Kelly wanted it.
And so, as you can all see,
Kelly Bundy overcame blinding poverty
to become the star she is today.
And remember... later, there will be a chance
for all of you to purchase some of her bath water.
So now, if you'll just wave
to Kelly's mother on the way out...
We'll conclude the tour
with the car that Kelly was conceived in
and the garage where she was born.
Oh, Al... isn't this exciting?
He didn't even introduce me, Peg.
Well, you know, we discussed it,
but the legend seemed to work better with you dead.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, God. What a day.
Clouds just would not stick.
I'm bleeding for you.
Pass me a bread stick, dear.
Al... she reaches for a living.
She should relax when she's at home.
Excuse your father, honey. He's an idiot.
Peggy... tell Bud I don't have to pay to get in here.
That's right, Bud.
I sold her a lifetime pass yesterday.
Kelly, I've got to ask you a question.
I am sorry, but I am not allowed
to reveal tomorrow's weather until tomorrow.
To hell with the weather.
Give me the poop on Palomino.
Boy, there's one warm front
I wouldn't mind settling over me for a few days.
Well, actually, he's not the nice man
that he appears to be.
I mean, just today after the weather,
when I, like America,
wondered aloud where East Dakota was...
he went to the station manager
and said, "Either the bimbo goes or I go. "
Well, it looks like things
will start to get back to normal around here now.
So I guess the next tour comes through here,
you'll be selling my bath water.
Yeah, right, Al.
Like I really kept it for five years.
I'm sorry you lost your job, Kelly.
My job? They canned him like a tuna.
I mean... after all,
I am the one in the short skirt.
And you always will be, honey.
Oh, your first job. How exciting.
Working during your high school years.
That's what I did.
While everyone else was out having fun.
But I was saving for a college education.
And that's what it went for.
My sister's college education.
Ah! And, of course, Mother wouldn't dream
of asking her to work.
No. Because sis was too pretty and too delicate
to be hauling around slabs of meat.
Now she's a physicist,
and I can stuff a sausage
with one hand tied behind my back.
So everything worked out.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
what happened to my life? My youth?
Peg, do you mind, here?
All I want is my fair share.
To go to the prom. To work on a float.
To have a date with a boy
instead of a pork shoulder I'd call Vinnie.
Peggy, do I deserve to be treated like this?
I mean...
[MOUTHS WORDS]
God. She needs a date worse than I do.
Mom, she really depressed me.
Oh, honey, it's all right.
I know what would make you feel better.
Al, tell us again about your raise.
[LAUGHING]
How much was it?
Oh, you're the greatest, Mom.
But I really do need some advice.
Mom, I'm on the horns of an enema.
See... in order to be the weather girl,
I'd have to work full-time, and that would mean
I'd have to quit school.
Oh. Gee, Kelly.
Quitting school's a big step.
I mean, that's where we get our pens and pencils.
And our little cartons of milk.
Al, talk to her.
What's left to say, Mama Walton?
Come here, young lady.
Now, Kelly... you've got to stay in school.
It's important for your future.
Now, look at me.
If I didn't have a high school diploma,
I'd just be a...
Well, maybe I'm not a good example,
but... it does help other people.
You know, lawyers, doctors, astronauts...
Everybody except me.
Daddy?
Give Daddy a second here.
What happened to me?
I'm not a stupid man.
Oh, well.
It's important to stay in school.
You can command a much bigger salary
with a high school diploma than without it.
How much they gonna pay you to be this... weather girl?
Well... the contract is for three years at, um...
$250,000 a year.
All right. High school is for dummies.
Now, I wanted to pull you out of the seventh grade,
but your mother and that county
wouldn't let me.
What about the astronauts, Al?
You name one that's doing better than my little girl here.
Now, pumpkin, you're going to need a manager.
Should be somebody close to you,
maybe a family member, someone you can trust.
Well, I trust you, Daddy.
And I love you, pumpkin.
Now, I know you want Daddy,
but he doesn't come cheap.
Because, see, I'm gonna have to retire
from the shoe business to manage you.
Al... can't you sell shoes and rob Kelly
at the same time?
Shut up, Peg, if you want to live here
with me and my baby.
Now... I'll take 40 percent of the gross.
What's "gross" mean?
She's some special little girl, isn't she, Peg?
Oh, Daddy, can I ask a favor?
Kelly, you don't even have to ask.
Peg, take the boy and the dog and get out of here.
No, Dad. I want to know if I could get a Porsche?
They said I could have one
if you would co-sign the loan for me.
Yeah, right. So I would be responsible for it.
Forget it. You don't need a Porsche.
Why, for the same amount of money,
you could have my old Dodge.
Come on, Kelly. Daddy's not the only parent you've got.
Forget it, Peg.
You can have a percentage of our son Buck.
Bud.
Bud, Buck. What's the difference?
Take them both. Kelly's my baby.
And if my baby wants a Porsche,
a Porsche she shall have.
Hey, Dad, can we stop for ice cream?
We sure can, if you're paying.
Veal again?
Kelly likes veal.
If Kelly wanted my head on a platter,
would you do it for her?
Honey, for a quarter mil a year,
I'd make Bundy-kabobs out of you and your father.
Family babes.
How's it going?
Al, that suit must have cost a fortune.
Hey, nothing's too good for me.
Peg, I'm telling you, I'm a changed man.
You're looking at a whole new Al Bundy.
Did you get Kelly's contracts all finalized?
Well, just a couple of sticky points to iron out.
Tomorrow I'm bringing out the big guns.
Gonna get me one of them high-class Sears lawyers.
Oh, I quit my job too.
Yeah, they begged me to stay, but I laughed in their faces.
I told them, "Hey! If I need an extra 5 bucks a week,
I get it from my little girl. "
Aw, gee, honey...
who would have thought that big 30 seconds
you spent 17 years ago
would pay off like this?
And you said it wasn't any good.
Aw!
Well, I'm getting all A's in school.
And my teacher said if I keep it up,
I could make school valedictorian.
Yeah. That and 25 cents
will buy you a bag of chips.
Yup. Time to watch our little meal ticket
do the weather.
I'm nervous, Al.
Chill out, babe. All she has to do
is read it off the TelePrompTer.
ANNOUNCER: And now, our Action News Weather
with meteorologist weather bunny Kelly Bundy.
Hello, everyone.
Oh, hi, Daddy. I like my car.
Oh... by the way.
Jim here's too modest to tell you,
but... he won the big office pool
on how many people died in that train wreck in Peru.
Way to go, Jim.
Anyway, on to the weather.
"There is a... strom... coming to... "
You know, that reading tutor is really paying off.
"To... Chick ago. "
NEWS ANCHOR: Chicago!
Uh-oh. There's a strom coming to us?
What's a strom?
NEWS ANCHOR: Storm!
Why don't they just put some peanut butter
on her gums, like they did with Mr. Ed?
"Winds are up to 30... mphs. "
NEWS ANCHOR: That's miles per hour, you idiot!
Hey, I'm not an idiot.
I happen to be a meterlalologist.
Dork.
Anyway, "Strom clods are forming... "
NEWS ANCHOR: Clouds!
Strom clouds... Oh!
Never mind. Somebody get her off.
I'm ripping up her contract.
She's gone.
All A's, huh?
I know what you're thinking, Al.
If only you'd let Kelly sign her contract when she wanted to,
we'd be rich.
Or are you thinking,
"You know, if I had the brain of a goldfish,
I could get a better job"?
I guess I ought to get my job back, huh?
Well, I don't know, Dad.
You might be a little rusty.
Are you sure you can still do this?
[LAUGHING]
Ha-ha. Ah, I love you guys.
What a disaster, huh?
Well, the real killer was the Porsche.
Well, how bad could the depreciation be?
She only drove it 4 miles.
That can only be what, about 8, 10,000 dollars?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello.
It's Kelly on her car phone, Dad.
Kelly?
Yes, we still love you.
Yes, I'm glad you like your car.
Of course you can keep it after this.
She is an idiot.
Kelly... be very, very careful.
Drive very carefully.
Yes, we still love you.
Be very, very careful.
Thank God, she's just right down the street.
Ah, here she comes.
Easy, Kelly.
Easy, Kelly. Ah.
Thank God. She's in the garage.
You know, Peg, if anything happened to that Porsche,
my life would be...
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello?
It's Kelly on her car phone, Dad.
Tell her hi for me.
So, what's up?
Dad mad?
No. He's just a little... concerned for your safety.
Come on in.
[***]